urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:billibadass billigrrl billigrrl 2007-02-19T19:51:24Z urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:billibadass:51219 2007-02-19T19:51:24Z 2007-02-19T19:51:24Z Its been a while so here is an update.<br /><br />I struggle every day to bring myself in to that horrible college and teach those horrible demons. I hate college, the material I have to teach, and most of the students. I don't think I'll accept a contract here again.<br /><br />On the other hand, I love teaching at the University and am hoping to be hired to teach a Fantasy lit course there next semester. <br /><br />Not much else is new. Looking for a house, planning a wedding, learning caligraphy, that type of stuff.<br /><br />Gotta go mark papers now. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:billibadass:51051 2007-01-18T11:43:52Z 2007-01-18T11:43:52Z Wow. I totally got bitched out by one of my students yesterday. I can't believe the egos and attitudes these students have at the College. I was lecturing and I kept hearing this one student talking, quietly, but talking none the less. This particular student has so far seemed very respectful of classroom etiquette, so I let it go for a while, but after 5 minutes I decided to correct the problem so I turned from the blackboard and simply asked the student "[students name], would you like to explain this to the class?", to which she replied "no, that's okay". I could tell she was surpised by the question and a little ticked off. I continued to teach the class and when the lecture was finished she came up to me and said "can I talk to you for a second" and then proceeded to "tell me off" for centering her out and embarassing her in front of the rest of the class! Okay, you're right, I never should have interrupted you while you were talking to your friend and disrupting my lecture - how silly of me to think i am the one who should be talking! She was pissed because apparently other students were being disruptive and i didnt correct them, so why did i pick on her. Well... in a class of 30 students I can't always see/hear what's going on at the back of the room, but she was sitting up front and i could definitly hear what she was doing. Furthermore, hasn't she ever been told to worry about herself and not other people? She was really in my face and I was totally shocked - clearly this student has emotional problems that prohibit her from accepting authority and taking responsibility for her actions. All I could say, in my totally dumbfounded state, was "i'm sorry you feel that way" - she was, after all, laying in to me in front of the entire class, i wasn't about to argue with her right there in front of the other students. I should have told her to take her complaint to the dean - imagine the scenario: "My professor centered me out for talking in class", "well, were you talking?", "yes, but..." <br /><br />I just can't believe these students, where do they get off thinking the world owes them everything. I would never challenge my professor for correcting me for taking in class. I would just shut up and listen to the rest of the lecture. Now i'm going to be afraid to say anything to this student for the rest of the term, out of fear of her slashing my tires or something.<br /><br />Judy - has anything like this ever happened to you?<br /><br />I was so unnerved by it I could hardly sleep last night - i just kept replaying the situation over and over in my head... thinking of how I could have better reacted.<br /><br />Anyway, I just need to get over it, I guess. Teaching a different group of students today so I don't need to think about.<br /><br />badass urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:billibadass:50729 2007-01-17T11:39:02Z 2007-01-17T11:39:02Z My mind is so full of details of my courses, worrying about finding and affording a house, and planning my wedding. Ugh. What a yucky time. I wish one could wait, the house or the wedding, but really, Chris and I can't waste another year in this dump, and our engagement has gone on for far too long. Could we put it off another year? Is it okay to have a four year engagement? It really makes no difference to me, I'm not going anywhere and neither is he. Hmmm.... I'll have to consider this and discuss with Chris if this is an option. If we put the wedding off another year, we will be able to buy a house and furnish it much sooner. But I have already declared the date to everyone...<br /><br />My class went well yesterday except half of the students didn't do the assigned readings. I need to think of a way to coerce them to do them. I'm thinking weekly quizes or journal responses. But is it fair to change the grading criteria two weeks into the semester? Judy - what do you think?<br /><br />Teaching today and then a meeting this evening with the dog park association. The week is almost over - woohooo!<br /><br />badass urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:billibadass:50598 2007-01-15T12:00:35Z 2007-01-15T12:00:35Z Mondays are going to be my insane days... teaching from 2:30 - 5:30, then office hours, then teaching from 4:30 to 7:30. I should have stayed in bed a little longer this morning. When I wake up at 5:30 am i am dead tired by my late afternoon classes. <br /><br />Stayed in and planned lectures all weekend. Hopefully this wont be every weekend, but i was handed a new course on Thursday and had to have it planned and ready to go by today so that tied me up for Saturday and Sunday. I did manage to make time this weekend to watch The Illusionist, which was pretty good, and to chat with the wonderful Judy, a conversation that was not nearly long enough but I had to end it to go to Mom and Dad's for dinner.<br /><br />We looked at a house on Friday. 2 acres just on the outskirts of town. The house was too small, however, and the two acres were full of the usual junk there rural people plant in their yards: run down cars, snowmachines, and other motorvehicle parts, old oil drums, swingsets, and scap metal. 4 out of 5 of these semi rural homes we look at appear to be previously owned by mechanics and judging by the way they keep their grounds (or rather, dont keep them) I can't help but wonder how much dirty oil and other toxic fluids have seeped into the water table. Though Chris loved the house (two large garages for him!) it was a definite no for me. 6 months of looking and still nothing. I feel a little afraid of committment when it comes to buying a house, maybe i'm being so picky because I'm not ready yet?!?<br /><br />Alas, how can i think about buying a house and planning a wedding when I am broke and just starting a new career? Why are our 20s so cruel? urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:billibadass:50275 2007-01-09T12:08:55Z 2007-01-09T12:08:55Z College kids are assholes. They are loud, obnoxious, and disrespectful! Okay, maybe not all college students are this way, but my class certainly is.<br /><br />I'm used to my university class. I walk in, they quiet down and listen. We speak with mutual respect for each other and I never have to talk over them.<br /><br />Yesterday was my first time teaching a college class. They came in like a bunch of animals - loud and obnoxious. I started speaking and they didn't care. I have never had to raise my voice so many times in one class - especially not on the first day! I guess I'll have to be more of an assertive bitch with this group. Maybe its because they are all 18 year old boys - are boys that age still having raging hormones or something??? They are all trades students and none of them see any value in an English class. This is going to be an interesting semester. I'm positive it will make me a stronger teacher.<br /><br />Teaching at AUC tonight and looking forward to the calm and mature demeanor of the university students. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:billibadass:50114 2007-01-05T12:18:14Z 2007-01-05T12:18:14Z I realize that everyone's livejournal is much more exciting than mine. I've been perusing some friends of friends journals and they are so full of wit and helarious adventures, whereas mine is simply a boring list of events in my uneventful life. sorry everyone.<br /><br />I wasn't always this stable, you know. I used to have crazy adventures, go to wild parties, take on life with reckless abandon. But one can't live like that forever, and if so, forever wouldn't be very long would it? 99% of the time i am happy with my quiet, stable, upstanding citizen type of life. just a little 1% envy creeps in every once in a while, a longing for past years of excess and calamity. <br /><br />i am old. i am boring. i am disgustingly normal. my 15 year old self hates me. will my 50 year old self love me? one thing is certain, i will live to be 50 (unless something beyond my control happens), a few years ago i couldn't be sure of that. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:billibadass:49748 2007-01-02T11:32:56Z 2007-01-02T11:32:56Z Its 6:30am and I am up and almost at em. Working on my syllabi today and preparing my first week of lecture notes. I still can't believe I am a College/University Instructor. Five years ago I was just this side of burnout. <br /><br />Chris and I have some big goals for double-0-7. Buy a house. Save for a wedding. I have some smaller ones. Do yoga every day. Walk my dog every day. Keep a handwritten journal of the mundane. <br /><br />New Years was a little lame because I was (am) sick. We ate and drank with Mom and Dad and let off fireworks at Midnight. All the scummies in the ghetto came outside to watch, some even got their kids out of bed. I slept in until 10:30 on New Years Day - Havent slept that late in years.<br /><br />I cooked a prime rib roast yesterday. Chris said it was good, I couldnt taste it.<br /><br />I have one week of holidays left before classes begin. Not really holidays though as I have lots of work to do. Still, at least I'm not stuck in that office anymore in that horrible building downtown.<br /><br />best of luck to all in 0-0-7! urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:billibadass:49610 2006-12-27T14:49:45Z 2006-12-27T14:49:45Z Too much booze and rich food has taken its toll on my digestive system. I am a mess and my skin is all rashy.<br /><br />Had a wonderful/interesting/shitty Christmas in Waterloo. Wonderful to see everyone and get roaring drunk, interesting to watch Chris smoke salvia for the first time, not knowing what it does (scarey!), and shitty to listen to my drunken mother-in-law and brother-in-law fight for three days straight. Its good to be back in the North (even though there is no snow).<br /><br />Chris and I finally set a date! February 16th, 2008. Cheesy but our anniversary is Valentine's day and a winter wedding is cheeper (and we have no money). I am excited. Its going to be small, at my old church and community centre in Bar River, with our pictures being taken at the local outdoor rink next to the hall. We will all be wearing old fashioned skates (i hope theres snow/ice!). Now i just need to fill in all the details and find a dress....<br /><br />Today I am cleaning/doing laundry/organizing my office. Tonight is a party at Mom and Dads house.<br /><br />Still no plans for New Years.....<br /><br /><br />peace and love<br />Billi urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:billibadass:49307 2006-12-21T11:47:10Z 2006-12-21T11:47:10Z It is my last day of work for this internship. I now have two weeks of holidays before i start my full time teaching career at the College and the University. I'm looking forward to it but not looking forward to the isolation that comes with being a teacher. At least in this job i had a lot of projects that involved collaboration with other people and groups; when you teach its just you (and the class). I just dont want to get all caught up in my head again, like when I was in grad school. <br /><br />Sault folks - what's going on for New Years? I want to do something, see a band perhaps? Lemme know.<br /><br />Badass urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:billibadass:49043 2006-12-14T15:30:26Z 2006-12-14T15:30:26Z 3 jobs? Try 4! Yesterday the College hired me to teach another class! Technical writing. I can't believe my good fortune. However, there is no way in hell I can teach three courses in addition to working full time so I am oficially quitting my day job! Woohoo!!!!<br /><br />Although i am exceedingly pleased with these new jobs, the stress of interviews and a heavy workload these past few weeks has taken its toll on me and i can no longer move my upper body without suffering excruciating pain. Why do i bottle my stress up until it attacks my body? And furthermore, how can i relieve stress rather than bottle it up? I feel stress, i admit it, and move on. Is there some other way I should be handling it? I know i havent been keeping up with my regular relaxation routines of yoga and meditation, i guess i should, i guess that stuff truly was working for me. Time to cut back the caffine again too, I guess.<br /><br />Anyway, I took today off to try and let my muscle spasms heal, but all i can do is stress about my courses for next semester, so no i find myself up in my office pondering working on my syllabi, eventhough sitting up straight hurts like hell.<br /><br />I'll work, just for an hour, then I'll take some muscle relaxants and rest. Deal.<br /><br /><br />badass urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:billibadass:48770 2006-12-12T13:20:23Z 2006-12-12T13:20:23Z 3 jobs, yep, that's me, sucker for punishment, i now have 3 jobs. One full time and two part time teaching positions. I am headed straight for another anxiety/panic attack ridden year if i don't find some down time to nurture things other than my brain. But what else can I do? I want to teach, but teaching isn't paying the bills... eventually it will, but for now i just need to rack up the experience and take on some day job to make sure my student loans, car payments, etc are covered. Gah. Why is life so difficult to navigate? <br /><br />Not feeling very merry this Christmas season. Where is the snow? Where is the cheer? Bah humbug. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:billibadass:48525 2006-11-16T20:36:55Z 2006-11-16T20:36:55Z I have been catching myself unconciously holding my breath lately, particularly when I'm driving or watching tv (two tasks that should be seemingly more relaxing than my hectic work life right now). I need to remember to breath. This too shall pass.<br /><br />Planning an event for 200 people sucks. Especially when 1/2 of those people are doctors. Especially when on top of that you need to ensure 20 students are learning to write proper essays. I can't believe there is less than a month left of school.<br /><br />*sigh*<br /><br />Wednesday, November 22, where are you? Why can't we just skip the 21st?!? urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:billibadass:48243 2006-11-07T12:16:06Z 2006-11-07T12:16:06Z Having a car is wonderful. I don't have to rush to catch the bus for work anymore, I dont have to bum rides off people anymore, and i dont need to beg Chris to take me shopping anymore - it rocks. The downside of owning a car is: paying for parking (the bus is way cheaper), hearing scarey noises and worrying about how much it will cost to fix them, worrying about smashing in to someone excessively expensive SUV, and the like. Mostly I hate paying for parking, its a total rip. Especially paying for parking at your place of employment, how shitty is that?<br /><br />I have been offered another contract to teach for a second semester at the university and I am accepting it. Therefore, i will have no life outside of work for another 4 months. IF i dont update much over the next couple of months it is because my life is very uneventful. Work all week, sometimes from 7am until 7 pm, and work all weekend on class prep from 5am until 5pm. It wont be like this forever, I hope.... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:billibadass:48042 2006-10-31T11:57:36Z 2006-10-31T11:57:36Z So........ I bought a car! Wooohoooo! My first car!!! Its a swee-ass 1988 Volvo Bertone, an Italian designed modle (only 8000 made). Its a 2 door coup, black, with heated leather seats! Its in pretty good shape for being nearly 20 years old! I still have to get it certified but we're pretty sure it doesnt need anything for certification, so, i could potentially be driving it by the end of the week. I drove it home from the sellers house last night - it felt awesome. I can't believe I'm 26 and only now getting my first car (not too surprising considering I only got my license three months ago!).<br /><br />I love my Volvo. I think I'll call her Stella in honour of her Italian roots. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:billibadass:47831 2006-10-17T10:59:32Z 2006-10-17T10:59:32Z Spent the weekend marking essays. Teaching people how to write is difficult. Maybe the ability to write well is one of those things thats either you have it or you dont. Thats a horrible thought for an english professor to have. <br /><br />My course was audited last Thursday. It was terrifying. Everything went fine until i started the grammar lecture on verbs. I just froze. I came to the part where I explain the verb lie (to recline): she lies quietly, last night, she lay quietly, for years she has lain quietly. I couldnt explain why the third form was "lain". I still can't, i have to look it up today. I hate teaching grammar, grammar is something i just learned through osmosis, i just absorbed the proper way to write sentences. It was never taught to me in a formal way. This morning i am going to do some research and figuer out how to explain "she has lain".<br /><br />Tonight i am meeting with the head of the department to discuss my ESL students, particularly those who did not hand the last assignment in, and the one who did and whos writing i can't read, let along grade. Should be interesting. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:billibadass:47481 2006-10-03T22:27:59Z 2006-10-03T22:27:59Z I handed back my students first assignments today and one of my students came back crying because she got 68%. She wants me to re-mark it. I don't know about everybody else, but when i was an undergrad I would never even think of challenging one of my professors about my mark! Even when I disagreed with their comments! I dont know, maybe thats just me.. Anyway, I agreed to reveiw her essay and see if i missed anything, (but only because she was crying and made me feel like shit!) I don't like it when a student "grade grubs". When they say "well, I'm used to getting 90s". Well, just because you get 90s in accounting doesnt mean you will get them in English class. I'm an esay marker, for crying out loud, and I didnt even take marks off for spelling and grammar. *sigh* I love teaching, but now I remember what I hated about it when I was a T.A. - marking. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:billibadass:47115 2006-09-19T11:56:09Z 2006-09-19T11:56:09Z September is flying by...<br /><br />This weekend we went to camp with Mom, Dad, Justin and Chris. Chris went hunting for partridge and Ma'iingan and I tagged along. It sucked. I don't like killing things or watching other people kill things. I'm considering vegitarianism.<br /><br />On Sunday Dad and I went for a fourwheeler ride down an old logging trail. It was beautiful, all the trees are changing colour and the forest smelled spectacular - cedar, soil, raspberries (even though they are over, you can still smell them for some reason)...<br /><br />While Dad and I were out riding, Mom took Ma'iingan for a walk. While on the walk Ma'iingan nosed out a rabbit carcas and ate it before Mom could stop her. Fur, bones, and all. Yuck. Not looking forward to seeing this come out, but on the other hand, i am curious as to how she will disgest it.<br /><br />Still loving teaching, still hating my day job. Tonight I am having my students look at selected art works and use the narration and description techniques they learned last week to recreate the pictures in words. Hope the exercise works. I was planning to use magazine images but i came across a collection of small prints i had purchased a few years ago and thought i'd use them instead. Originally i was going to have them read comic books and use narration and description to retell the story, but considering some of them are ESL i think this exercise might take too long. Too bad, i have a nice collection of comics.<br /><br />If anyone has any interesting exercise ideas, pass them on pls.<br /><br />badass urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:billibadass:46893 2006-08-24T19:03:01Z 2006-08-24T19:03:01Z i haven't posted in a month.<br /><br />no body seems to post much anymore - i wonder why?<br /><br />One hour of work left and I'm bored so I might as well update.<br /><br />Chris and I are considering buying a house. Its really cute. Three bedrooms, garage with loft, an acre of property (out on Upper Island Lake). Its exciting but also stressful. So many changes happening so fast. New jobs, new town, now new home (and new bills!). I'm just trying to remain calm and steady through the waves. That's all you can do, really, or else be a stick in the mud (wooo I love metaphors and cliches!)<br /><br />We have an appointment at the bank tonight to see if we will get preapproved for a mortgage. I wish i had something witty and exciting to say about that but it is what it is.<br /><br />I know one day i will wake up and all of these changes will be over with and new ones will be before me and i'll wonder where the hell did the time go.<br /><br />I can't decide if i feel bleak, nostalgic, or optomistic right now, nor can i seem to maintain a steady, coherent train of thought.<br /><br />Anyway, all you suckas that aren't updating (Judy, Tiff, Kate, Etc.) please do so. I miss yous. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:billibadass:46808 2006-07-19T19:16:03Z 2006-07-19T19:16:03Z Umm, the most interesting thing happened yesterday out of the blue. I opened a peice of mail addressed to me (with no return address) and what did my eyes behold but a job offer from Algoma University! I almost shit, or puked, or something. Anyway, I'll be part-time faculty there this fall teaching a first year English course called Language and Written Communication. I have to design the course and everything! I'm excited/nervous/scared/elated, etc. I am also in disbelief. I never even had a phone call or interview from them. I just applied like 1 and 1/2 months ago and when i never heard back thought it was a lost cause. Crazy crazy world. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:billibadass:46346 2006-07-10T12:52:52Z 2006-07-10T12:52:52Z Well Its my birthday - I'm 26. Weird, Im 26. <br /><br />Chris gave me a lovely card this morning in which he wrote that i get more beautiful each year - what a sweetheart!<br /><br />Mom bought me four pair of shoes yesterday and a dress, totally spoiled me. I've developed a 'thing' for shoes and handbags. I need to stop it before it gets out of control.<br /><br />Tonight Chris and I are going on a dinner cruise. Tomorrow Dad and I are attending a series of workshops on Metis ways of life back in the day, like smoking fish, trapping, music, and storytelling. Then Chris and I are camping out at the Metis Annual General Assemble for two days. Should be a good week.<br /><br />After quitting for one month, Chris started smoking again. And Ive had a few too. Stupid. I really want to be smoke free. I'll keep trying I guess.<br /><br />peas urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:billibadass:46189 2006-06-29T15:59:59Z 2006-06-29T15:59:59Z Gah. Buh. Schma. <br /><br />Got in an argument with my Mom a little while ago. Shitty. Shes horrible to argue with, she doesnt argue, just gets upset and defensive, i hate it. She needs to start acting like a grown woman.<br /><br />I was simply asking her why she agreed to pay for two Birthday gifts so my neice Mya can go to two birthday parties this weekend. "Well, because Becky has no money" So i ask, well, Becky is a teacher and she is 29, why does she have no money? "Because she has so many bills" I ask why does she have so many bills? Why did she just pay thousands of dollars for a tummy tuck when she cant even afford to buy birthday gifts? Why does she go to the bar for beer and wings after our baseball games if she cant afford birthday gifts? My sister irresponsibility pisses me off and my Mom is totally enableing her to be this way by constantly bailing her out! Its disgusting! Mom says "Well if you needed something i'd get it for you" True enough, but the thing is, i make 1/2 of what Becky makes and i have bills also and yet i seem to be able to survive, perhaps because i know how to prioritize my spending. Anyway, Mom gets all mad at me for confronting her about this... "you know, i dont need this right now Billi, I'm going off my pills you know" Yeah - maybe you should stay on those pills woman if you cant deal with reality. In fact, i know you should stay on those pills considering your only reason for going off them is because you heard they make you gain weight. I think i just realized where Becky gets her sense of reasoning from....<br /><br />Thank God I'm getting out of here for a while. Kincardine here i come! I'm going to lay on the beach and bake for four days. A good book, some Malibu Rum, life will be good..........<br /><br />Happy long weekend everyone, stay safe.<br /><br />Badass urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:billibadass:45973 2006-06-28T12:37:58Z 2006-06-28T12:37:58Z Well its been 28 days smoke free. The cravings and mood swings have pretty much passed and I am on the lowest dose patch (7 mg). Chris has taken to smoking a cigerette at night, which is stupid if you ask me. If you can go all day without smoking, why bother having one at 9 pm? <br /><br />Getting excited for this weekend. For the first time this summer Chris actually has a weekend off, well, he booked it off, otherwise he'd be working. We are going down south to visit his family at the cottage. Cant wait to get away from it all for a while, though i kinda wish we were going to be in an actual city so i could do some shopping as i am in serious need of some new threads. Strange, i'm going camping and i wish i were going shopping - what the hell is wrong with me?!?!?!<br /><br />My job is extremely busy and slightly stressful these days. Sometimes I feel like snapping. Its my own fault, i need to remember that i dont need to be perfect, and i truly am not, certainly in the eyes of the doctors i am working with. It wouldnt be so bad, the magnitude of work on my plate, if i had some real holidays to look forward to. Or if my salary was even half as much as i should be making for this type of work...<br /><br />Nuff bitching. Life is good. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:billibadass:45696 2006-06-20T14:02:34Z 2006-06-20T14:02:34Z Day 20. I havent smoked in 20 days. It feels more like 2. When am i going to start feeling more healthy? Oh well...<br /><br />I bought myself some stupidly expensive clothes this weekend to reward myself for not smokeing. It felt good, for about 2 hours.<br /><br />I want to go camping. This summer sucks because of Chris's sucky new job at the sucky steel plant. Its the only thing i hate about the Sault but i REALLY hate it, enough to make a run for the south, maybe... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:billibadass:45351 2006-06-12T16:58:29Z 2006-06-12T16:58:29Z On day 12. Smoke-free for over a week. Feel tired and cranky or else apathetic. Lacklustre. <br /><br />Things are okay right now. Work is busy, sometimes enjoyable, sometimes stressful. Chris still HATES his job at Algoma Steel and i'm not sure how much longer he will last there. Summer is kinda sucking so far since we dont have our weekends off together. We havent been able to go camping at all yet. Normally we start camping in May. <br /><br />There is a possibility we will be heading south again come fall, if Chris still hates his job by then. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:billibadass:45210 2006-06-06T12:15:01Z 2006-06-06T12:15:01Z Today will be my sixth day smoke free. I can't believe i'm actually quitting. And its not as hard as I thought it would be. The cravings get less and less every day, and its not the cravings that are difficult but the memories or the habit, like after a meal, i'm so used to smoking that its strange for me not to. And in my dreams i'm still a smoker so when i wake up in the morning i'm thinking about a cigerette, not because i really want one but because i'm so used to having one and because i've just seen myself with one in my dream. The hard part about this quitting is the nausea and heart palpitations that i'm suffering because of the nicoderm patch.